Pick a Day, Any Day…

According to one of the reviews for The Fast Fiction Challenge collection, I have “an interesting mind, though not always a comfortable one”.

I think that’s a rather nice compliment… so I’m going to revel in it, and run something I haven’t done for a while…

There seem to be Special Days for everything these days. According to Holiday Insights, yesterday was National Receptionist Day, today is Lost Sock Memorial Day while tomorrow is Clean Up Your Room Day.

But I think we can do better than that. Let’s once again see how many days we can create our own special day for, concentrating, naturally, on the things that make up proud of ourselves, or our country.

Think we should have a “National Invade Another Country Day”? It’s yours.

How about a “National Throw Politicians In Jail Day”?

Or even “National Act Insufferable Day” or “National Burn a Sheep Day”.

Pick a day, preferably your birthday, and state your National Holiday.

Some days have already gone, taken previously. August 17^th for example, is National Stiff Upper Lip Day, in which you’re not allowed to display any deep emotion, nothing that would show others that you’re either particularly happy or particularly upset. A typical Tuesday for a Brit, in other words.

This time around, I’m taking today as “International The Original Elmer Fudd Was Better Day” with which, surely, no one can disagree.

Your turn. And spread the word…

Available: (I’ll update this with new dates as they’re submitted)
Hover your mouse over the date
January 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31
February 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29
March 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31
April 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
May 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31
June 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
July 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31
August 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31
September 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
October 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31
November 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
December 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31

Days taken – again, this will be updated, but only the new celebratory dates chosen will have IDs attached here.

Available: (I’ll update this with new dates as they’re submitted)
January
11 National Purple Day
30 National Tyop Day

February
10 National Nest Day
17 Make Your Meals From Scratch Day
18 National Wear At Least One Item Of Completely Inappropriate Clothing To Work Day

March
04 Stoat-Charmer Appreciation Day
08 National Kick Boris Johnson In The Knackers Day
12 National Set Fire To A Tory Day
19 National National Comics Day

April
17 Glorious Golden Rock God Day
21 International Day of Observance of the Utter Awesomeness of WWI aviators

May
07 International A-ha Day
09 International The Original Elmer Fudd Was Better Day
10 International Do Not Create Made-Up Words That Start With TW Just Because You Use Twitter Day
21 Avoid Being Raptured Day
27 National Worry Your Friends Day
28 National Pursue Your Dream Regardless Of What Anyone Else Might Think Of You Day
29 National Squirrel Conversation Day

June
01 National Tankard Day
24 National Pretend To Be Kylie Minogue Day
27 National Ask No Questions Day

July
09 International Invade The City Of Your Choice Day
12 National Death To False Metal Day
17 National 4ft 9in Glasweigan Lesbian Day
29 Welsh Cake Day

August
06 National Paint Flinging Day
10 National Archaic Swearword Day
17 National Stiff Upper Lip Day
24 National Make A Cake For Stephen Fry For Being Lovely Day

September

October
02 National Travel To Work By Pogo-Stick Day (Bhutan & Isle of Wight)
14 National Bribe Someone Else To Do Your Housework Day
24 Be Insane Day
30 No Restraint Day

November
17 Martini et Matelot Matinee

December
05 Be A Heartless Bitch/Bastard Day
12 International Relocate a Garden Gnome Day
21 Shut Up And Play Your Guitar Day

Hover over the dates in the grid to see who picked the previous dates…

Manifestos – what’s their point?

With apologies to the songwriting team of Ray Evans and Jay Livingstone, who wrote Mona Lisa, as most excellently performed by Nat King Cole,

Manifesto, manifesto, MPs adore you…

Something’s been bugging me since 2010′s general election, and the formation of the coalition government.

Now, fair enough, many things have bothered many people, including the arguable destruction of the NHS, the abandonment by both government parties of various pledges, the callous attempt to dismantle the welfare state, an austerity programme that isn’t working and an ever-growing social division that has been created and deepened either by incompetence, apathy or cruelty.

Further, the apparent wilful unwillingness of the government to acknowledge the harm of its policies and the austerity programme in its current form goes beyond normal lack of decency and well into the realm of negligence.

But yes, while all of those are important… They’re for discussion on another day. That’s not what’s been bugging me, at a low level admittedly, for almost three years. Before I get to that though, let’s address some myths that seem to have arisen since May 2010, myths that say – for the main part – far more about ignorance than incompetence.

And it’s specifically ignorance (or possibly naiveté, I’ll grant you) about the constitutional arrangements for government in the UK I’m talking about.

1. No-one elected this government. To be precise, no-one elects any government in the United Kingdom. I haven’t had any part in electing any government in my lifetime. And nor have you. What you’ve done is helped elect an MP. What we do, individually, in constituencies all over the country (or up to four countries, if you want to argue the point) is elect members of Parliament, who may – not will – then go on to form a government. But the voters do not get to decide who’s in the government. The Prime Minister does that by selecting ministers. A backbench MP of the governing party is no more a member of the government than a backbencher of the main opposition party. Hell, the voters don’t even get to decide which is the governing party, which brings me on to myth 2.

2. The leader of the party with the biggest mandate gets to form the government Well, yes… and no. It’s only since the rise of the whips who can keep control of backbenchers’ votes (by threat and by favours granted, withheld and called in) that this even starts to apply. What’s needed to form a government is the ability to command a majority in the House of Commons. That’s it. The Monarch will ask whoever can do that to form a government. Usually, fair enough, it’s the leader of the Party with the greatest number of MPs, but it doesn’t have to be.

3. Governments are morally obliged to implement their manifestos once elected. Really? Does anyone believe this? Seriously? It’s impossible, literally impossible, for a government to bring into policy every one of their manifesto pledges. Even if the government had a landslide majority, there isn’t nearly enough parliamentary time to pass the legislation necessary, if – that is – the legislation is to be subjected to the right and proper scrutiny that all legislation should undergo on its way to the statute book.

And no matter how important the legislation is, I’d be wary of anyone who wanted to circumvent the usual processes of scrutiny, debate, amendment and the rest.

We’re getting closer to my concerns now, by the way…

4. The Lib Dems broke their promises! Well, yes, they did, and no they didn’t. They broke some but not one very big one, one stonking HUGE one.

Many friends, and some pundits, made the following comment after the 2010 election:

“I don’t know what was in people’s minds when they voted for the Lib Dems, but I bet it wasn’t to put the Tories into power!”

This astonished me then, and it astonishes me now. Surely only the very stupid, the very naive or the very ignorant weren’t aware that the Lib Dems had repeatedly said what they’d do in the event of a parliament in which no one party had a majority. They’d said on several occasions, in interview after interview, that they’d first seek to enter government – in the event of a hung parliament – with whichever other party had the biggest mandate.

Now, fair enough, the Lib Dems left themselves a tiny bit of wiggle room, as they didn’t say how they were measuring “mandate”: by total number of votes cast, or by number of MPs elected. It didn’t matter: in the event, the answer was the same in both cases – the Tories had the biggest mandate, by some way.

Not only that, it was very, very likely before the election that the Conservatives were going to be in that position: all the polls pointed to a hung parliament with the Tories having the most MPs. You don’t like that the Tories had the biggest mandate? Sorry, feel free to blame who you like for that, but please don’t be stupid enough to deny it.

5. The Lib Dems had no mandate to do what they’ve done Yes, the Lib Dems voted for (and did) things in government that they said they wouldn’t before election. You know what? They had every right to do so – the coalition agreement gave them that right. See above, but just for the record – there’s no obligation for a government to implement their manifesto. In fact, looking back over my lifetime, I can’t remember a single government that’s even managed to legislate for a majority of their manifesto, let alone all, or nearly all, of it.

6. The Lib Dems gave up everything and the Conservatives got everything they wanted. How can I put this? Ah yes, bollocks! I can think of at least half a dozen things the majority party of the government junked as a cost of going into government with the Lib Dems. Take a look at the 2010 Conservative Party manifesto and see how much of it made its way into the coalition agreement. Just for a start, the increase in the inheritance tax threshold to £1 million (which had been trailed as a central part of the Tory taxation plans) went the way of all things, as did various pledges regarding VAT, capital gains tax, no referendum on voting reform and a plan against the zombie apocalypse. (I may have made that last one up.)

7. The Lib Dems have no justification for doing what they did. Yeah, they do. They have the best one of all, and what’s more it has the advantage (strange for British political excuses) of being true. You ask Nick Clegg why he didn’t block Tory plans for this or that, even though it’s in direct contravention of the previously expressed policy of his party, and he’ll say one thing:

We didn’t win the election.

Often, he’ll clarify that by saying

We’ve got one in six MPs in the coalition; if we’d had more, we’d have had more power within the coalition, but we didn’t. And we don’t.

And you know what? He’s absolutely correct.

Now, one can certainly argue (and to my mind, quite convincingly) that what he did get for his party wasn’t worth it, that he prioritised the wrong things; that he should have sacrificed a vote on AV and fought for a guarantee about welfare; that he shouldn’t have bothered trying in vain for House of Lords reform, but devoted time and energy to preventing devastating NHS reform.

(I think you can argue against that, by the way, but I think you’d lose the argument. Convincingly.)

However, again, that’s an argument for another day.

But we’re now at the crux of what’s been bugging me, and it follows directly on from the above, from all of the above.

What is the purpose of a manifesto?

No, seriously.

A paper, written for Essex University after the 2010 election, went into huge details about the purposes of manifestos and how much they mean to the parties before an election.

“Manifestos are important. They reflect the parties’ enduring values and policy programmes…

Utter nonsense, and dangerous nonsense at that. Let’s strip away the polite fiction maintained with an air of complacency and look at how they’re regarded today, by pundits, by politicians and by the public.

Manifestos might, just might, have been the basis for policy once upon a time, in the long ago. Now, however, they’re more like a personal statement that a candidate writes on a job application, hoping that he won’t be asked too much about it, and praying he can remember why he put this bit in, or why he wrote that bit that way.

So, again, I ask… what’s their purpose: what’s the point of election manifestos?

When a government knows in advance that it won’t be able to translate all of their party pledges into government policy, their assurances into statute, what’s their point?

When a government can blatantly lie, using its “mandate” to justify policy because it was in the manifesto, even though it was the universally acknowledged least popular item in there… what’s their point?

When a party can abandon almost every pledge in their election manifesto and can excuse such abandonment with a simple “we didn’t win”, what’s their point?

The answer is obvious: they have no point.

Not in their current format.

Read that again – not in their current format.

The biggest problem with manifestos is not that we have no idea what will be dropped upon entering office, it’s that we don’t know what won’t be…

I’m far less concerned by what a government doesn’t do than by what it does.

So, taking the very neat idea that a couple of the parties used in recent elections, that of the pledges on a card, let’s take it further… Let’s propose the following:

The manifesto of a party seeking election to office in the UK is from now on split into three parts:

(I) The dealbreakers: these policies (limited to six items) WILL be in any government policy document/coalition agreement; these are the items that will be translated into statute. If another party has a contradictory item in their list of dealbreakers, those parties cannot form a coalition without a further election, at which point different dealbreakers can be put to the public vote.

(II) The aspirations: the intellectual backbone of the party’s agenda, limited to twenty separate points. These are the policies that the vast majority of the party’s supporters (and potential voters) would like enacted in a world where the party has a secure working majority and “events, dear boy, events” don’t get in the way. They’re the policies that a government should get through: a Tory party might have a reduction in regulation in here, a Labour party an increase in progressive taxation, the Lib Dems, another crack at reforming the voting system. But – and it’s an important but – everyone understands that if a coalition is formed, these are the things that may have to go by the wayside. These are the negotiable points for a coalition agreement.

(III) The wishlist: the policies that, with a fair wind, a strong working majority, a weak opposition, a lessening of international tension thus allowing concentration on domestic issues, a party (and its supporters) would like to have on the statute books at some point. They’re not urgent, though, and they play no part whatsoever in any coaltion agreement negotiations; they’re simply not on the table. The list is unlimited in length, since no-one genuinely expects more than a handful – if that – to make it into debate in the House of Commons, let alone into legislation.

So now the voters know where the parties stand, as do the pundits, as do other parties, as do the rank and file of the parties.

The battleground for hearts and minds is concentrated, first to the dealbreakers, then to the aspirations. Everyone knows on what grounds the election is fought and – crucially – what’s up for grabs in a coalition. Voters make their mark knowing that some policies are sacrosanct, while others may have to be postponed this time. Fewer secret deals, greater transparency.

The only people who could possibly object, with what they’d say were perfectly valid arguments against this, are the politicians themselves who’d undoubtedly hate to have their freedom curtailed; freedom, that is, to continue to abandon policies with no fanfare, to lie to their voters, supporters and the general public.

We’re in the twenty-first century. We’re told by government that no public institution should escape escape modernisation and reform, yet Parliament and the formation of governments is accomplished in a manner that a 19th Century politician would recognise with nary a raised eyebrow.

We’ve already changed how they behave in office (with amendments to ministerial codes, reform of expenses), but in doing so ignored how they got there.

It’s long beyond time that we looked at changing how governments are formed in the United Kingdom and what we expect them to do once in office.

24hrFFC, the stories behind the stories: sleep, ebook and after

So, that was it. Done. Finished.

Not quite.

As soon as Mitch had uploaded the final version of the album, and I’d uploaded the final story, we had the “get out”; everything had to be taken apart, packed up, packed into the various vehicles we had for transport back to Mitch and Clara’s.

I was babbling. I knew it. I’d done a quick ‘thank you and goodbye’ to the webcam above my writing table before we’d disconnected it, and I was so very pleased to see a couple of friends who’d stopped by with bagels, (smoked salmon and cream cheese). They’d been travelling for some hours, due to there being problems with the trains and got there just as the challenge was coming to its conclusion. I’m as sorry as they are that they couldn’t have been there for more of it.

But yeah, I was babbling. It was as if instead of the adrenaline leaving me immediately, as I’d expected it to do… it was ramped up a level, combining with the caffeine in my system and telling me “you’re no longer on webcam – you can do or say anything.” All I remember (confirmed this Tuesday night, by the way, by those very same friends, Stu Nathan and Andrea Burgess) was that I couldn’t stop talking, nor slightly shaking.

Then we were outside somehow. Another friend (Deborah Crook) was kind enough to run Phil home, back to Barnet. And Kerrie Cook eased me into her car for the short drive back to Mitch and Clara’s.

I didn’t fall asleep straight away when we got back. I was shattered, so bloody tired, but I didn’t fall asleep. Not quite yet. I mean, sure, there was an element of excitement that it had been done, and a greater sense of actual achievement at how much we’d rasied, and what I’d done.

But over the next hour or so, there was a definite slowing down of mental processes. When I could hear myself slurring my words? Yeah, time for sleep.

And so I slept.

Not for a hell of a long time; about four hours, I think. Long after I’d intended to wake up though. Y’see, I’d assumed that I’d grab a couple of hours’ sleep, wake up, start on the ebook, bang it out in a couple of hours, and then go back to bed for a longer sleep. It didn’t happen. I woke up irritable, still dog tired, and ratty as hell. And that was pretty much me for the next twenty-four hours. It wasn’t until Sunday night that I got around to properly starting the ebook, and I’d already had several temper tantrums about forgetting how to use the ebook software.

I raised over £1,400 for Comic Relief. It’s worth remembering that. In fact, no, it’s not.

This is what’s worth remembering: You lot donated £1,400 for Comic Relief.

I was just the means that allowed you to do so. You lot deserve the praise, as do so many other people. So let’s do some thank you’s while I have the floor. Or the blog. Oh, you know what I mean.

To all the challengers – thank you so very much. The titles and words you challenged me with were as fine a selection as I could possibly have wished for.

You’re all very nice, wonderful, clever people, and those I haven’t met yet, I’d very much like to, to say thank you for this and for the enjoyment you’ve given me over the years.

So, thank you to Ian Rankin, Emma Kennedy, Kim Newman, Jon Holmes, Rory Bremner, Rufus Hound, Caitlin Moran, Lauren Laverne, Marcus Brigstocke, Laurie Penny, Sarah Pinborough, Tim Minchin, Dave Gorman, Andy Nyman, Andy Salzman, Mark Watson, Ben Aaronovitch, David Arnold, Robin Ince, Jenny Colgan and Robert Llewellyn.

There are three challengers’ names missing from that list – you’ll see why in a minute.

To those who donated money during the writing and who ‘bought’ the ebook – I can’t express my thanks enough. Just… thank you thank you thank you. Thanks also to those who followed us on webcam, or visited the venue, and gave us so much encouragement and support during the twenty-four hours.

To Hayley Gale and Darren Saunders – The technical wonders who kept a live feed going during the 24 hours during which this book was written. Thank you so much for your time, your efforts, your good humour and your friendship.

Here are two of the challengers who aren’t mentioned above… To Mitch Benn, Neil Gaiman, and Clara Benn – This book, indeed this entire project, would ever have happened without you;thank you for this as for so much else.

AND, finally, To Richard Curtis, Comic Relief and everyone who works there – thank you for being there and for doing what you do.

Here’s the ebook – I know that some people have downloaded it already, but I’m sure there are some who haven’t yet. It’s a free download and there’s no obligation to donate anything, but if you’ve enjoyed the stories, or expect to enjoy the stories, or even enjoyed the stories behind the stories, can I suggest a donation of a pound here?

UNFORTUNATELY, there are problems donating via that method if you’re donating from outside the UK, so you can either use a UK postcode (it’s been suggested you try W12 8QT) or Paypal me any donation on budgie@hypotheticals.co.uk

The links:

Twenty-Four Hours of Fast Fiction ebook – epub (for iBooks)

Twenty-Four Hours of Fast Fiction ebook – mobi (for Kindle)

I think that’s it. We’re done.

Any questions? No? Fine. See you next entry when I’ll post something that has nothing to do with Red Nose Day, Fast Fictions or anything to do with Twenty-Four Hours of Fast Fiction at all.

Probably.

24hrFFC, the stories behind the stories: 21 to 24

To read the prologue, what when where, setting up why this took place, etc., click here.
To read about the stories, click on the links 01 to 04 05 to 08 09 to 12 13 to 16 17 to 20

Pride goeth before a fall, they say. It’s not true. Pride goeth before a wall.

The Wall.

You know? “The Wall”, the thing that marathon runners talk about. Well, not really talk about. They grimace while confirming its existence, and how – although they got through it – the memory of it hurts still, maybe years later. Now, I’m not a runner. Even before I buggered up my foot, I was never a runner. Seemed far too much hard work for me – I’d rather have walked it and arrived a bit later.

And this event was not the first time I’ve stayed up through the night working on something. Far from it. But this was the first time I’d done it publicly, having to exercise that bit of my brain labelled ‘come up with another story… NOW’.

And I hit the wall. Obviously, unlike with running, there was no physical effects; my legs didn’t figuratively turn to jelly. No, my thought processes did.

Now, remember, when we left me yesterday, I’d just completed story 20, for David Arnold, and I was feeling pretty good – I was actually ahead of schedule by about an hour. And it was half past seven.

Story 21
Title: A Forgotten Spider Remembers
word: monkish
Challenger: Robin Ince

I remember wondering at one point whether I could get away with two hundred words of “All Work And No Play” and try and pass it off as a meta-fiction parody.

I also recall considering whether it would be possible in the next few hours to invent a time machine: whether to blackmail Robin Ince into giving me a different title, or persuade ME not to undertake this DAMN FOOL thing in the bloody first place was still up for grabs.

By half-past eight in the morning, an hour after starting this story, I was ready to maim anyone in the room who, seeing that I was having problems, came over to try and “help”. I didn’t want help – I wanted to quit.

A forgotten spider? Who the fuck forgets a spider? And then they remember. No, it’s the spider who remembers. Remembers monks. No, something monkish. I’m struck my a sudden memory of a favourite ’round’ from I’m Sorry I haven’t A Clue, The Uxbridge English Dictionary, and a particular definition:

slippery, adjective. A bit like slipper.

Don’t know why that struck me. Yes, I do – it’s because of monkish. What the hell can be described as “monkish”?

Oh, I know. I stand up, start pacing. Carry on pacing long after that idea has been discarded as unworkable, another idea has taken its place, been similarly discarded, and so on.

Then I stop, stride to the keyboard, start typing. This is it, this is the story, this is the…

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

This ISN’T the story – this isn’t the one. The story doesn’t fucking work.

Back to pacing.

At some point, I descend into genuine loathing for Robin Ince.

Robin Ince doesn’t deserve loathing. He’s a smart, clever, brilliant comedian who doesn’t suffer fools at all, let alone gladly. His radio programme (The Infinite Monkey Cage, with Prof Brian Cox) is essential listening, and if you’ve ever seen him live on stage, you’ll know how privileged you are to have seen one of Britain’s smartest premier comedians.

But at quarter to nine on a Saturday morning, after twenty hours of writing and one of not writing anything of use whatsoever, my dislike for the man was reaching apocalyptic levels. I started wondering if I could express that dislike in a story, maybe an acrostic based tale, the first letter of every sentence spelling out…

I think it was at that point that both Clara and Phil started taking the piss out of me, trying to get me out of the funk I was descending into. I kind of remember threatening to throw various things at them: the bright orange marker pen I was using for the whiteboard. The whiteboard. A laptop computer. Possibly a table.

And then it came to me. At ten past bloody nine. A hundred minutes after the previous story, a neat little tale that answered the challenge, and had enough creepiness in there to match my mood.

Twenty minutes.

That’s how long the story actually took to write, edit and post up.

Twenty minutes. After a hundred that were, quite frankly, horrible. Twenty minutes to write a story.

You can read it here. (Story posted at 09:35 am)

I needed a break. Badly. But I knew if I took one, it would be even harder than before to write the next story. I think I said something like “OK, if I can write the next one in under an hour, I’ll see about a break”. Truth was, of course, I was scared shitless I’d hit another wall.

Story 22
Title: Dancing Upside Down
word: flannel
Challenger: Jenny Colgan

OK, remember my oft stated preference for ‘never writing the obvious’; well, sometimes the challengers make it easy for me. The title and word are so obvious, that any potential story ideas along that obvious path evaporate leaving room for other idea to take their place.

And, thank you Jenny Colgan, very intelligent and lovely writer that you are, for making this an easy one.

Flannel made me think of water. “Dancing upside down”? If there’s been a better description of synchronised swimming, I’ve yet to hear it. (“Drowning to music” doesn’t count.)

So no synchronised swimming for me, or for the story. Was tempted to make it about a ballroom dancing team in Australia, but the idea was too similar to a tale I’d written before, long ago. Where else?

The following is true, I promise. I tipped my head back, to stretch my neck and ended up looking straight at the ceiling. And imagining ‘out there’, past the ceiling, past the atmosphere, out there.

And imagining how people dance in zero gravity. And whether thirteen year old Jewish boys still have to practice for their first barmitzvah dance with their mother…

Start to finish, the story was written, edited and posted in a little over half an hour.

And you can read it here. (Story posted at 10:11 am)

When I checked the time that story was posted, for the first time in almost three hours, I relaxed. Genuinely relaxed. I had two hours 19 minutes left, and two stories left to write. And the last of them I’d pretty much known what I was going to write the moment I saw the story word, let along the title. But first I had to write the penultimate tale.

Story 23
Title: I’m Going Offline
word: narcissism
Challenger: Robert Llewellyn

As I’ve mentioned before, Mitch Benn collated these titles and words for me prior to the challenge commencing, and I only saw them after the clock had ticked 12:30 pm, some 22 hours ago.

However, the previous night, Clara and Mitch were looking at the titles, laughing away. And although Caitlin Moran’s title “These Aren’t My Breasts!” was without doubt their favourite title, Robert Llewellyn’s was the one that had them going “whoa…”

I don’t know Robert Llewellyn. To describe him as an actor is to underplay his skillset. He’s a great presenter, clever interviewee, but it’s fair to say that most people who know do do because of his portrayal of the character of Kryten in Red Dwarf. But what got both Mitch and Clara was how he knew to use that title, something that I’m known (among friends, anyway) for doing, and saying, on a not exactly seldom basis. Sometimes, I need to get away from online life, and I’ll go offline for a few days or a few weeks. I’ll usually let folks know.

But yes, I go offline for a bit.

Hopefully, though, never for the same reasons as the subject of this tale…

You can find out here. (Story posted at 11:14 am)

And, suddenly (suddenly? ha!) I was there. One story away.

I remember saying as much to the room, hearing a round of applause start, then shushing them, saying ‘not yet, not yet’. Mitch had, at some point in the past hour, finished the album and was listening to the tracks, tweaking here and there, improving the sound here, quietening another bit there.

And then out of the blue, he announces that he’s just going to do one more quick song because he’s thought of a lovely lyric for it… and sings it there and then. He’s done vocal recordings through the night, and played songs on occasion. You know what? I can barely remember them… they kind of fade a bit into the whole thing. I remember walking over to his cam every hour or so, with the next challenger’s name written upon it.

Slightly different feel as I walked over to him this time and brandished the whiteboard to him and the webcam. This time it had Mitch’s name on it.

On the front at least. On the back, it had something rather different. As I recall, it went something like

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

erm, anyway…

Story 24
Title: Option B Remains Open
word: declamatory
Challenger: Mitch Benn

Mitch Benn is one of my closest friends; no news there. Another friend, however, was recently surprised to learn that we’ve only known each other for under three years, despite having mutual friends who we’ve each known for far longer.

It’s true – I met Mitch for the first time, as I did Clara and their daughters, on the ‘set’ (if one could call it that) of a thing entitled ‘I’M PROUD OF THE BBC‘. You can click that link and see a second and a half of me and much more (in every sense) of Mitch. Roughly 160% of him, I believe, since the video was shot before he undertook his weight loss programme and lost over ten stone (151 lbs, was, I believe, the final number).

Now, me and Mitch share many enjoyments together, including, obviously, spending 24 hours raising money for charity exposing our creative endeavours to the world, and somehow not falling apart while doing so. Lots we disagree about, by the way – just ask us about Game of Thrones sometime…

However, it wasn’t until just before this twenty four hour madness that I discovered, with delight, that Mitch is an I, CLAVDIVS fan. I could have guessed though – who but a fan of the series would use the word declamatory? To me?

Heh. I pretty much knew this story before I wrote it. I knew what would happen, how it would happen, and who would be be involved. It was a genuine pleasure to write.

I hope you like it. (Story posted at…)

Now, take a look above. You’ll see I haven’t put when that final story was posted. Not yet. A bit of explanation.

Mitch, as I said, had finished his album an hour or so earlier, and was just about to upload it, for that had been his challenge: to write, create, record and upload the album. Mine was merely to write the stories; I’d always planned to upload the ebook later, after the challenge had been concluded.

I finished Mitch’s story, announced it to the room, to huge cheers, and got ready to post it… at about 12:11 pm, 20 minutes early.

And then I paused. Sod it, I had twenty minutes or so. I was going to take fifteen minutes just to relax, to take chill out, to enjoy not having to write another bloody word today.

I’d done it.

Twenty-four stories. – I’d written twenty-four original stories, of exactly 200 words, each, the titles and words for which I hadn’t had a bloody clue a day earlier.

In twenty-four hours – Sure some stories had taken well under an hour, three of them had taken substantially longer. But yeah, all twenty-four stories had been written in under twenty-four hours.

Far, far too many coffees… – I think there was probably some blood left in my caffeine stream, but I wouldn’t have bet money on it.

At 12:25, I hit “post”, and the final story uploaded to the blog.

There’s just one more blog entry to write… and you’ll get that tomorrow.

24hrFFC, the stories behind the stories: 17 to 20

To read the prologue, what when where, setting up why this took place, etc., click here.
To read about stories 01 to 04, click here.
To read about stories 05 to 08, click here.
To read about stories 09 to 12, click here.
To read about stories 13 to 16, click here.

Hello – how are you? Sitting comfortably? Good, then I’ll begin. It’s nice sitting comfortably, isn’t it? Taking a few minutes out of the day. Hope you’re not tired… I mean it’s not like you’ve been writing for about sixteen hours, is it? It’s not like it’s half past four in the morning, is it?

Well, you rejoin me at precisely that point. After starting late, having some stories written and posted well inside the hour, and a couple that took me somewhat longer… I’m finally back on schedule. Sixteen stories written, sixteen hours gone. And far, far too many coffees drunk.

There are a few people who’ve stayed through the night, and most of them are dozing now. Gav Taylor is providing some moral support when I’m flagging, but mostly I’m just getting slowly more and more tired.

And the smile is looking more and more glassy as time goes by.

Story 17
Title: Death Of A Turnip
word: archbishop
Challenger: Andy Salzman

The first time I heard Andy Salzman was on an episode of The Now Show. Honestly? I didn’t know what to think of him or his material – it was surreal… but as so often, I was wrong on two counts. One: I didn’t know what surreal meant, and two, his material is clever. No, I mean really clever. Andy doesn’t go for the lowest common denominator – he doesn’t go for any kind of denominator; he assumes you have a reasonable working knowledge of politics, world events, the personal foibles and verbal ticks of famous people. And if you don’t? Go see someone else.

I’ve met him on a couple of occasions since, and it’s always been a genuine pleasure to do so – the man has a brain the size of a planet, and I like hearing him prove it.

However, there’s another side of him. The silly side. The ‘being reduced to a fit of helpless giggles by his best friend and fellow comedian John Oliver and then doing it back to John Oliver’ side, so often expressed by the pair of them in their glorious podcast The Bugle.

It’s that side that I was playing to when I wrote the story based on Andy’s challenge. A recent rewatching of The Wicker Man might also have been knocking at my brain. And, hey, it was half past four, ok?

Strangely, I can see various comedians of my acquaintance taking well-cast roles in the inevitable television adaptation.

Let me repeat – it’s gone past half past four in the bloody morning.

This is a very silly tale for someone who can be very silly himself.

You can read it here. (Story posted at 05:18 am)

And, yeah, we’re up and running again – well, inside the hour, I even had the time to have a proper wander, stretch my legs, stretch my arms… Do you know what? I can actually see me finishing this, and doing it on time. I’m very pleased at that… And, now, the next story, which is almost the only story I’d planned for when I was going to write it. You’ll see why in a sentence or two.

Story 18
Title: My Wife Never Knew
word: pollen
Challenger: Mark Watson

Mark Watson is a comedian of consummate skill, appearing to many as someone who just opens his mouth and allows streams of very funny material to come out of it. Not a chance. Not a bloody chance. Having seen umpteen comedians over the years, one thing I know is it takes hours, weeks and months of work to make it look that casual.

He has some appreciation of what I’m doing for this project, and for what Mitch is doing, as Mark did his own 25 hour standup for Comic Relief at the beginning of March. You can imagine my pleasure when he agreed to challenge me for this event.

As for the timing of this story; well, on Red Nose Day, he was in Australia, and I kind of figured it’d be nice to write a story that would be posted, and that he could read, at a time when he’d actually be awake…

The story itself? Well, a classic pull back and reveal that rewards careful rereading of the story. I’ve always enjoyed the unreliable narrator in fiction. I’ve done it several times and it’s both easier and much, much harder to pull off than you’d expect.

Easier because, of course, you as the writer know far more than the reader does at any point, so it’s easier to allow the reader to be steered in a particular direction. Harder to pull off though if you’re not going to cheat. You have to play fair with your reader, so you can’t lie by saying something that’s explicitly not true. Lying by omission? That’s the secret, that’s the trick… and it’s lovely to play it every so often.

As I hope I successfully did here. (Story posted at 06:07 am)

When I posted that story up, I was hugely surprised; I was pretty sure it had taken me a lot longer to write, but no: stretched legs be damned – I’d written and posted the story in about half an hour. Nice! Felt a lot better after that tale was up.

Story 19
Title: Suzy Gets A Fish
word: banana
Challenger: Ben Aaronovitch

Is there anything more upsetting as a child that wanting something and your parents not letting you have it?

I couldn’t understand where that thought came from when I saw the title challenged by the superbly talented writer who is Ben Aaronovitch. But it immediately speared what was left of my brain. Why’d Suzy have a fish and why, oh why, wasn’t it good enough? What did she want instead?

I’m not sure when ‘dodo’ jumped into my head; it was certainly after I’d discarded ‘triceratops’ and also ‘brachiosaur’ (although thinking of them may have led me to the next story, it’s certainly true.)

OK, so now I had a parent and “Suzy”, the latter presumably sulking because she couldn’t have a dodo and was refusing to have a fish instead.

I was already thinking along the idea of time travel before I’d got to the second sentence; I hope you have a better time reading the story than Suzy did on her trip home.

You can find out here. (Story posted at 06:48 am)

And now I’m on a role. Again, about a ten minute stretch, a smoke (yes, another ‘real’ cigarette) and then a story written and posted in about half an hour… Would this continue? Could this continue?

Story 20
Title: Sale On Horse Beaks
word: crepuscular
Challenger: David Arnold

You may not have heard David Arnold speak. You may not have even heard of him. But you’ve seen his name, I promise. You’ve seen it on screen when the opening credits say “Composed by…”, if you’re paying attention, not having been swept up by the themes to Stargate, Independence Day, Zoolander, Hot Fuzz, Casino Royale and four other Bond movies, let alone those for Little Britain and Sherlock for tv.

I was tempted to write something musical but as Mitch and other musical friends of mine know, I genuinely have problems with the concept of keys, let alone anything more detailed. And I’ve always believed that if you’re going to write about something, it does kind of help if you know what you’re talking about.

So of course, the story I wrote for David’s challenge was about genetic manipulation made so ubiquitous that a pet shop could sell such items. Well, maybe not ubiquitous. Perhaps the pet shop in question is a unique offering, like its wares, with a very specific owner.

Crepuscular is a lovely word indeed, and strangely, I’d only learned it a couple of weeks earlier; otherwise it would have been a trip to the dictionary again. Horse Beaks? That rang a bell, a distant bell and it was while I opening up google that I remembered: the hippogriff. A sale on them? The plot, such as it is, hit my brain fully formed. I just had to decide win which format I wrote it, and the more I thought about it, the more I had a mental image of a shopkeeper welcoming a customer. And that gave me the format.

Like a previous tale in this collection, the story I wrote for Kim Newman, this one is what I call a dialogue for one; I absolutely loved writing this story. I could have written four or eight hundred words. Again, like the previous take, I wanted – as I wrote it – to know more about the shopkeeper. Was he the owner? Just a manager? The last in a long line of managers? And if so, what happened to the last one?

Alas, the tale was the tale, and they’re always the right length as they are.

I hope you like the story. (Story posted at 07:36 am)

Unlike the previous stories, I wasn’t surprised at all that this one took about half an hour to write. I was very well aware of how fast the ideas were coming for this story, and I was genuinely pumped up for the remainder. I had four stories left to write.

I’d written twenty stories in nineteen hours; The last eight stories had been written in six hours. I had five hours left! FIVE HOURS. And FOUR STORIES. I was flying.

What could possibly go wrong?

[SPOILER WARNING: something went wrong.]

See you tomorrow

24hrFFC, the stories behind the stories: 13 to 16

To read the prologue, what when where, setting up why this took place, etc., click here.
To read about stories 01 to 04, click here.
To read about stories 05 to 08, click here.
To read about stories 09 to 12, click here.

And… we’re back. Well, at least I am. I assume you are as well if you’re reading this, and I hope you had a good break. There’s been a lot of stuff going on, so for the next few minutes, regard this place as an antidote to whatever it is that ails you. Unless of course, you’re suffering from an excess of people telling you how they spent Red Nose Day writing stories. In which case, you’re not going to enjoy this blog entry a lot. I’d go join a madrigal society or something.

Anyway, where was I? Well, at the time I’m writing about, I was where I’d been for thirteen hours: the community centre in Richmond, where I was writing story after story on behalf of Comic Relief. When we last looked in on me, I’d finished twelve stories… in thirteen hours. A couple of quick mathematical calculations shows that, using precise measurements peer reviewed and everything, each story had taken me a bit over an hour to write… and that each story going forward had to take a bit under an hour to finish and post up.

So, after posting story 12, and stretching my legs, having a ‘proper’ cigarette (yeah, I had some during this; mostly e-cig, but the occasional cigarette as well), the time was now half-past one in the morning…

Story 13
Title: The Bite
word: sexist
Challenger: Tim Minchin

I don’t know Tim at all – which is a pity, since I like how his mind works with words; strangely, although the musical comedy is what he’s become famous for, I’m far more impressed by the occasional bit he writes for various publications. I enjoy what he does with a sentence, and how his contempt for the target of his upset steers a paragraph.

When I saw the list of story titles and word supplied by the challengers, and the simple title and word above, I was struck again by the ‘obvious’ way this story could go… and how I definitely didn’t want it going there.

The first attempt for this story was a disaster. Literally. I set it in a post-apocalyptic environment, playing with the idea of sexism literally being a life and death matter in daily existence. Not exactly an idea swimming with humour, I’ll grant you, but the reason the story didn’t survive was a simple one: the only way I could get the story to work was to telegraph the ending from the first sentence and give the twist (which was a good one) away. Bah.

Back to the drawing board… well, the keyboard, anyway.

One of my favourite 1980s tv shows was the original WIDOWS by Lynda La Plante. I’d always wanted to do something like that, or at least pay homage to it, and when I remembered (confirmed by a quick reference to a dictionary) that a bite was also slang for a criminal’s portion of the take, the temptation was too much to resist.

I hope you enjoyed reading the story; I throughly enjoyed writing it.

You can read why here. (Story posted at 02:14 am)

And again, we’re at the ‘taking about an hour to write and post’ level. And I’m tired. I’ve been writing for almost fourteen hours and I’m tired. I want to write something silly.

Story 14
Title: The Green House’s Greenhouse
word: custard
Challenger: Dave Gorman

I’ve been a huge fan of Dave Gorman’s work since the BBC run of The Dave Gorman Collection, and my only regret about that is that I didn’t get to see the original stage show evolve as it did. The books of Are You Dave Gorman? and Googlewhack reduced me to tears of laughter while reading them.

Given where I was in the run of stories, I definitely wanted to write something silly, something humorous, something that was just… ok, I’ll say it again: something silly.

The last story I wrote in verse was for Caitlin Moran, and that wasn’t intended as a story in rhyme until, as I said, I read it out. That wasn’t the case with this tale – I knew the moment I saw it how I wanted it done: as something to be read out loud, preferably by Ronnie Barker in his role as a slightly the worse for wear [due to a brandy or two] country house owner.

I’ve still yet to see Dave Gorman live. I’d very much like to one day.

You can read the story out loud here. (Story posted at 3:09 am)

Bloody hell – after three o’clock in the morning. Ug. Most sensible people were asleep by then. Fortunately, I don’t know many sensible people and me and Mitch were still getting messages of support, donations, sometimes good natured and well meaning abuse. Ah, it kept me going. Lord knows what kept Mitch going, but behind me I could hear him singing away, plucking the strings of the guitar… and I was little bit envious of his astonishing ability. Shows how tired I was, folks – usually I’m incredibly envious of it.

Story 15
Title: The Lights Went Out
word: sarcophagus
Challenger: Andy Nyman

Andy Nyman is a hugely talented writer, actor and magician, with plays, screenplays. And he gave me a delightful challenge that provided a perfect contrast to the previous story.

The reading of the will has been a staple of detective fiction, indeed all fiction, far too long to be sensibly catalogued. And, if I’m allowed a certain pride for a moment, it’s usually the reading of the will in British fiction that reveals the most about a family via that reading. And, as the best fiction involves conflict, there’s always the unexpected bequest (whether in terms of amount, type, condition or legatee), the threats of challenging the will, the aged family lawyer, all the usual paraphernalia surrounding it.

I pictured the death of an important man, and his family behaving like automata afterwards, expecting their legacies, receiving them as their due, and moving on as if a business deal had been cocluded rather than a life. And there being only one person who saw that as anything ‘wrong’, and even she was powerless against it, wondering whether she too was only playing her part.

You can make your own mind up here. (Story posted at 03:50 am)

And just like that, I’d made up some time. A great little story, I thought, and time for another coffee…

Story 16
Title: Texting My Ex
word: underwhelming
Challenger: Neil Gaiman

Neil Gaiman. There’s nothing I can say about him that I haven’t said before, so I’ll leave it at an expression of gratitude for everything, and one additional set of thanks for nagging me to write more…

When I saw the challenge that Neil had supplied, I was both delighted and bothered. Delighted because I instantly knew what I was going to write, how it would be written, and the narrative ‘trick’ I’d be using; the lovely thing about the English language is that it often uses the same word for two or more similar but crucially not the same, no I mean really really not the same concepts. And so it is in this story.

Bothered? Well, yeah, it’s such a lovely little reveal at the end (in my mind) that I was sure I must have used it before. Now, I can’t be responsible for knowing or not knowing what every other author has done, but I can damned well be responsible for my own writings. And though some would argue that stealing from yourself is not only allowed, it’s positively encouraged on occasion, I’m not one of them. Not for something like this, not where the challenge is to come up with truly original (or at least as original as I can muster) tales.

But no, couldn’t see it in my previous writings. So I used it.

And I was very pleased with the responses I got – people really liked this tale. I’m glad. I got great pleasure from writing it; I’ve now written three stories for Neil, and I’ve enjoyed writing them, and enjoyed knowing he’s enjoyed reading them.

I hope you enjoy it as well. (Story posted at 04:27 am)

Yeah… half-past four. I’ve written four stories in three hours. I’m smack bang on schedule… for the first time in the whole thing, I’m absolutely smack bang on schedule.

Yeah, like that was ever going to last… See you tomorrow

24hrFFC, the stories behind the stories: 09 to 12

To read the prologue, what when where, setting up why this took place, etc., click here.
To read about stories 01 to 04, click here.
To read about stories 05 to 08, click here.

So it’s nine o’clock in the evening, both Mitch and I are approaching the end of what would in normal circumstances be ‘an eight hour day’, and of course, we’re over – just over – a third of the way through this madness that are our individual twenty-four hour projects. Mitch has – from what I can gather from hearing him murmur away and playing his guitar – progressed well into the actual production and recording of the music; the vocals would come later. Oh boy, would they come later.

I don’t know about him, but I’ve probably already had too many coffees, but that’s not about to stop me having more, as future stories will probably reveal. I’d have been genuinely unsurprised if one of the stories, upon review, had simply read

coffeecoffeecoffeebringmecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee
coffeecoffeecoffeeIwantmorecofeecoffeecoffeecoffee
coffeecoffeeIneedcoffeenowIwantcoffeeNoIhaven’thad
toomuchcoffeewhydoyouask?

Apparently not, though.

But yeah, eight stories down, sixteen to go. And for the first time, I’m beginning to wonder how the stories are going over; whether people reading them are enjoying them, whether the people I’m writing them for are enjoying them… I don’t know, I won’t know for hours yet.

But I’m taking a look at Twitter every so often, and the support that Mitch and I are receiving… to describe it as touching would be to understate it. And that’s not even mentioning those who’ve turned up to give us moral suppport… more about which later.

But time is passing, both now and then, so on with the stories.

Story 09
Title: Barry’s Massive Red Shoe
word: stammer
Challenger: Marcus Brigstocke

I’m not absolutely sure how long I’ve been a fan of Marcus Brigstocke. I’m pretty sure I discovered him when I started listening to The Now Show, and knowing that series as well as I do, that must have been about ten years ago. But from the moment I heard his gloriously original style and delivery – well I’d not heard anything quite like it before – I was hooked. I’m not usually a fan of ‘ranty’ comedians, and I guess the reason I like his work so much is because ranting is the very least of what he does. Ranting implies noise for the sake of it, and Marcus never does that – he makes very clever, very funny points with the accuracy of an SAS sniper. And he loves words. It’s a common theme, I’ve found, of people whose work I admire in both literary circles and comedy – the more you love words and language, the more likely it is that I’m going to enjoy your work.

I mentioned the other day, when writing about Emma Kennedy’s challenge, that one of the things that I hope mark out my particular style (if I have one) is that I rarely take a noun as offered and use it in perhaps the way that the challenger might have anticipated.

A massive red shoe? Well, fair enough, not sure I can do much with “massive”; only really one meaning for that. “Red”? Plenty of different uses, but “shoe”? I was pretty sure there’d be a dictionary definition for that word of which I was previously ignorant. And if I was unaware of it, then it’s a pretty good bet that others – perhaps the challenger – would be equally in the dark about it.

And so it proved, There were at least a dozen different definitions of “shoe”, several of which lent themselves to potential stories. But one of them leapt out at me; who knew that a shoe was the thing that held a girder in place on a bridge? I certainly didn’t. Now why would someone have a shoe they or anyone else would consider theirs? It’d be huge – obviously, pretty much by definition. Red? Not a problem.

So who’s Barry? And why would he – or did he – stammer?

I had a sudden mental image of a child, walking over a bridge, touching the ‘shoe’, proclaiming it his, and then the same child, many years later, walking over the same bridge.

You can read why here. (Story posted at 21:49 pm)

Yesterday evening, as in Thursday night, I want along to see a recording of the aforementioned Now Show, and was delighted to be able to meet and chat to Marcus Brigstocke, who was appearing on the show again after some time. It’s always a pleasure to discover that people whose work you admire and enjoy are as nice as you hoped they’d be. It was lovely chatting to him over a drink and to talk to him about the story I wrote for him. Thanks, Marcus – genuinely appreciated.

Story 10
Title: Box of Old SIMcards
word: longing
Challenger: Laurie Penny

I’ve told before on this blog how I met Laurie Penny some years back, at a drinkup arranged by a mutual friend, one Mr W Ellis of the principality of Southend. Although I’ve not always agreed with her writings, in both ‘print’ and person, she never fails to make me think, which is, after all, one of the points of writing for wider dissemination.

I was so very pleased she agreed to be part of this challenge, and hers was one of the few challenges that the moment I saw the title and word, I knew precisely the story I was going to write. If someone else had challenged me with this title, I doubt the story I wrote would have been the same – it just seemed so perfect for Laurie.

So of course, this turned out to be one of the toughest stories to get just right.

I must have completely changed one of the middle paragraphs a dozen times or more; trying to get the mixture of suspense, pathos and just plain weirdness just at the correct level.

I think I managed it at the end, but it’s always just so tempting to tweak it one more time…

But it all starts with questions: why would there be a box full of them? Why would anyone keep them? What would be on them, and who would want to go through them? Well, maybe no-one would want to – so why would someone be forced to, and by whom?

You can find out the answers here. (Story posted at 22:56 pm)

And suddenly it’s eleven o’clock, and we’re heading for midnight. And beyond midnight, there’s half-past midnight, and we’ll be half way through and… shut up Budgie – stop panicking.. write, dammit, write…

Story 11
Title: From Beyond The Indigo
word: breathless
Challenger: Sarah Pinborough

I’ve only met Sarah Pinborough the one time, but have talked to her on Twitter occasionally, read her writings, watched a screenplay she wrote, and on every occasion thought “this is a very, very smart person.” I’ve no idea why the following story was written in the format in which it’s presented. It didn’t start out that way, you know. It started in the third person. But the story just didn’t work like that. Haven’t got a clue why not, but it happens sometimes.

Now, usually, if an idea doesn’t work, it’s the idea that gets junked. But I really liked the take on the title I’d come up with, so I tried it in various formats: first person (better but not quite), rhyming (no, no, no – definitely didn’t work), I even played for ten minutes with… no, best not admit that.

Genuinely don’t have a clue what made me try writing it as an organisation’s internal memorandum, but the moment I did, it fell into place. “It”, of course, being a very silly tale, about a warning not to think you know more than you do.

You can read the story here. (Story posted at 23:54 pm)

And just like that, we were at midnight. I rewarded myself with a stretch of my legs; Phil had gone off to the station some time earlier; he’d be back tomorrow, and Gavin Taylor had turned up to give us some support over the night, as had some folks I only know from their Twitter handles, sorry… On the whole i was happy – things were going well-ish. I was still behind, but maintaining the level of ‘behind-ness’. If I could write the next one in 45 minutes, I’d have caught up a bit…

Story 12
Title: Charity Broke My Heart
word: possum
Challenger: Richard Curtis

You know what happened last time I thought that – I can catch up on the next story? Yeah…

Richard Curtis created Comic Relief. Just think on that for a moment – he bloody created Comic Relief. And when I cheekily asked them if Richard would care to make a challenge for this event, I genuinely expected a “sorry, but he’s absolutely snowed under, and couldn’t possibly pick one red nose day event over another to lend his support to.”

Instead the man not only gave me a cracking challenge, but was my first sponsor, chucking in £240 of his own cash. The man deserves a round of applause just for that. That, and my sincere thanks.

OK, as a friend of mine is wont to say, enough schmalz.

“A cracking challenge”? That’s one way of putting it. Another is that it took me five separate attempts to write a story for this challenge. Each previous story got about 150 words through the tale and then… and then… just petered out. There was nothing there… there.

By the time of effort number six, I was pacing around the room, muttering story ideas, and almost dictating them aloud just to see if the idea had anything. Ideas were flying in and out of what by that time I laughingly called my mind. (Strangely enough, one of the discarded tales came to light later on that day for another challenge.)

And then, literally, just like that, after an hour of wanting to tear my hair out… I had it. Just had it – the right story drove up, reverse parked, flashed its lights and said “OK, I’m here, what are you waiting for?”

I remember sitting down and typing solidly for about ten minutes. And then editing for another five. And that was it. It worked.

At least I hope it did. (Story posted at 01:22 am)

Yeah, you can do the maths; that story took me almost an hour and a half to write… I should have been about to post story 13, and I’d just finished story 12. I’d now written twelve stories in thirteen hours. And I had to write the next twelve stories in eleven hours. I was not pleased. At all. I was now almost an hour behind, furious at myself again, and wanting to write angrily. Fortunately, the next story gave me more than ample opportunity to do so.

But you’re going to have to wait a few days for that. It’s Good Friday, and I’m going to take off Easter from blogging about the stories. See you on Tuesday…