Twelve Days of Fast Fiction, Day 07: HE’S MAKING A LIST

Posted: 19 December 2013 in 12DaysFF, fast fiction, fiction, writing
Tags: , , , ,

Mitch Benn is a marvellously talented, very clever, very funny comedy-songwriter. He’s also one of my closest friends. Neither of these is exactly a secret. It’s a constant surprise to both of us, however, that we’ve only known each other three years or so. But in that time, I’ve benefitted from advice and a comedy brain that Marvin would envy.

Mitch Benn’s middle name is silent.

Title: He’s Making A List
Word: plug
Challenger: Mitch Benn
Length: 200 words exactly

MEMORANDUM
To: Charles Mistletoe, Head Elf, Investigations Branch
From: Simon Hollyfield, Second Elf, Investigations Branch
Subject: Unauthorised Disclosures
Date: _________

You tasked me with investigating recent unauthorised publications in the media about The Naughtiness (Santa’s Archive), and discovering whether systemic failures contributed. Further, you instructed me to make related recommendations in order to, in your own words, “plug any gap”.

I am aware of the claim by Edward Snowmen that he alone was responsible, and that others are negotiating with Morena of the Russian regions for Snowmen’s repatriation; although diplomatic mediations are outside my remit, I urge that his return be a matter of utmost priority.

After interviews with elves, goblins and associated naughtiness analysing imps, I authorised surveillance upon those responsible for initial decisions as to whether ‘naughty’ or ‘nice’ designations are applied. Information obtained impels me to declare that naughtiness security has been breached repeatedly; senior elves swan around, boasting of their access to the Archive. I recommend urgent attention be paid to this.

More shocking, however, is a growing culture of low morale and the view that “everyone is naughty sometimes”. Santa should be made aware; this could reduce workloads markedly.

Further reports in due course.

Simon Hollyfield

© Lee Barnett, 2013

This story is part of The Twelve Days of Fast Fiction (More information on the Twelve Days here)
Day 01: The Misanthropic Principle – challenger: Jamais Cascio
Day 02: Robot Ghosts of Apocalypse – challenger: Cherie Priest
Day 03: Every Word Is Wrong – challenger: Si Spurrier
Day 04: The Train Didn’t Come – Challenger: Emma Vieceli
Day 05: Living Happily Ever After – Challenger: Neil Gaiman
Day 06: Embargoed Until Midnight – Challenger: Corrie Corfield
Day 08: Fingers On The Windowpane – Challenger: Leah Moore
Day 09: Santa Abduction Narratives Recalled – Challenger: Paul Cornell
Day 10: Copula Numb – Challenger: Kelly Sue DeConnick
Day 11: It Lived Under Monday – Challenger: Sarah Pinborough
Day 12: Batman Sure Likes Tea – Challenger: Tiernan Douieb

Edit to add: An ebook of all twelve stories is available for $0.99. Click here for details.


“There are two hundred stories collected in this volume. They are funny, they are thoughtful, they are romantic, they are frightening. To me, though, they are more than entertaining. They are inspiring.” – Wil Wheaton, from his introduction to volume 2 of The Fast Fiction Challenge

Two volumes of The Fast Fiction Challenge, containing 180 stories in Volume 1 and a further 200 stories in Volume 2, for £3.00 each, are available in ebook format from the author; email for details.

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