2017 minus 19: Nathaniel Spong

Posted: 13 December 2016 in 2017 minus, fiction

Couple of housekeeping announcements, mainly to get them out of the way.

For the past few years, either ‘yesterday’ or ‘today’, I’ve used this blog to announce the start of Twelve Days Of Fast Fiction. Not this year. For various reasons, including that oflack of interest from others, I’m not running them. this year. They may return in a future format – Comic Relief 2017 is in a few months, after all – but I’m taking a break from doing them. Besides, I wrote over 50 of them, over a five year period, and they’re here on the blog any time anyone wants to read them.

Secondly, it hit me earlier that we’re in new territory here; while I’ve done several countdowns to major events: my birthday, a general election, end of the year etc., they’ve always been 50 day countdowns. This is a 75 day countdown and we’re already past 50 entries.

Still, that means you only have another 19 entries to read. Unless i keep it going into January for a few days… which I might do. I’m not sure but I may do it.

One last thing. I hope you’re enjoying the entries. I mean to say, I’m not writing them so you won’t enjoy them, but I’m deliberately not looking at the ‘stats’ page, so I’ve genuinely no idea how many people are reading this. It could be a dozen people, it could be 100. Or more. I’ll just say ‘thank you for stopping by’ if you are reading them, and hope you’re having a good close to the year.

OK, right, moving on…

Something I wrote a long time ago, but I want it part of this run, and most people haven’t read it… so

The Tale Of Nathaniel Spong

This is the tale of Nathaniel Spong
Whose resolution was to do no wrong.
For one whole year, decided Nat.
Now, what could possibly go wrong with that?

So come the new year, our Mr Spong
Commenced the plan he’d decided upon
And made a list of things to do
Which took him up until January 2.

And all at once, he realised an error
And felt himself fill with terror –
How could he handle the year to come
When he’d forgotten to call his Dad and his Mum?

A phone call was made and later on
He realised at once what he’d done wrong;
He hadn’t listed enough parameters!
What else could happen? Something calamitous?

He lengthened his list, writing more and more
And before he knew it, it was January 4.
The list kept growing, day and night
Until there was no more left to write.

And then Nathaniel thought to relax,
He’d protected himself against attacks:
Of guilt, or worry, of doing wrong.
Oh, pity the fate of Nathaniel Spong.

For little did he know that bright winter’s day
What was about to happen would lead him astray
To the extent that his plan would fall to dust
And all because of the sin of lust.

For there was a lady, a lovely gel
Whose very presence made hearts swell
With love and sweetness and kindness and how
(A pity then that she was a right cow!)

Young Susan Smythe was by nature a user;
Who’d ensure that each beau was really a loser.
But hopefully wealthy, indeed even rich.
A 100% total right b…

At a party they met, set up by a mate
Of Nathaniel’s who’d wanted to do a blind date
For his pal, who he knew had no social life
But discovered she wanted to be his wife.

She courted Nathaniel, did our young Sue
And suddenly Nat found the number grew
Of things that earlier had seemed so wrong
When that list had been so big, so long.

With Susan, all was right for Spong,
Or so he thought, but ere very long
Nat had reason to check his banking arrangements
To see whether he could afford this sudden engagement.

To his horror he found when he looked at his balance
That Susan had made the most of her talents
And milked the account for all she was worth
So that Mr Spong had not a penny on earth.

She vanished the next day when her crimes had appeared.
And look though he could, she had disappeared
Along with his spondooliks, his money, his cash
And though his friends cautioned him, he did something rash.

And restarted the list, by the light of the moon
After all, it was only the seventh of June.
Plenty of time to put his new plan into play
To take over the world by New Year’s Day.

The list of what wouldn’t now be allowed
Extended beyond Nat, to the increasing crowd
Of people who supported Spong’s Plan for the planet
And affected those who ostensibly ran it.

Governments around the world
Heard of this plan and began to yield
To the ever increasing clamour for change
For something new, no matter how strange.

A week before New Year’s and Nathaniel Spong
Had overthrown all that was wrong
Countries now answered to his every whim.
Who decided everything? Well, he did – yes, him.

The drawback of this imaginative plan
Struck him as he was deciding who can
Run the bus route between one street and another
And which of two women was really the mother.

Solomon’s idea was to split the child
A barbaric plan, Nat declared in a lilt.
He granted custody to both women forever
And insisted that they bring up the child together.

The list of what he decided increased
Until he was deciding the very least
Decision: whether the walls should be blue or pink.
“Can’t any of you people for yourselves think?”

Bored by this in 48 hours
Nathaniel returned the levers of powers
To those who’d been democratically elected
And he dissolved the power structures erected.

This took a couple of frustrating days, during
Which the world returned to its pre-Spong days
Leaving Nathaniel Spong at the New Year’s chimes
Living, as they say, in “Interesting Times”…

© Lee Barnett

See you tomorrow, with something else. 

This post is part of a series of blog entries, counting down to 1st January 2017. You can see other posts in the run by clicking here.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s