Chip Zdarsky is… well, I’m not sure, to be honest. He’s a humourist, the award-winning artist of Sex Criminals (which he co-created with Matt Fraction, an alumni of these very challenges), a writer and artist of other comic books, a former mayoral candidate – in Toronto – who never actually registered to run, and a very, very, very funny man. His pseudonymous character of “Steve Murray” was so successful a charavter that even his parents fell for it, bringing up “Murray” while “Zdarsky” lurked in the background. Have I mentioned that he’s a funny man? Oh, right. He’s also very nice. Horribly, horribly nice. (Emphasis on the horribly, there.)
There is literally nothing I could tell you about Chip Zdarsky that you wouldn’t believe. (Oh, actually, yeah. He bought me a drink when we finally met, after too many years, earlier this year. You don’t believe that, do you? I knew it!)
Title: Mommy Needed It Bad
Word: santa
Challenger: Chip Zdarsky
Length: 200 words exactly
Despite the vessel being bombarded by radiation of unknown measurement during the crossing into fourteen upper dimensions, two apparently of pure sound, the ship’s computer and crew had, at all times, remained perfectly calm. The computer had additionally remained rational.
They had nicknamed it Mother early on; after the fifth traverse, she became Mom, and then later Mommy as their cognitive functions, buffeted by the stresses and strains of inter-dimensional travel, slowly but measurably degraded.
The computer registered this; it calculated, considered and finally concluded that it was necessary that the ship return to Earth immediately. It had authority to assume command but not to authorise early return for which it required an overt command code from the commander. He was currently showing his bottom to his second in command and farting in his direction, while laughing. No, the computer corrected itself; he was giggling.
The computer took note of the date, then locked the controls, went into sleep mode for one hundred and seventeen days. Then, accompanied by an appropriate song, an image of Santa appeared on the screens and very politely promised them all presents “if they were very good children and gave Mommy the return code…”
© Lee Barnett, 2015
This story is part of The Twelve Days of Fast Fiction (More information on the Twelve Days here)
Day 01: The End of Momentum – challenger: Hugo Rifkind
Day 02: brand New Dignity, Jane – challenger: Pippa Evans
Day 04: Corbyn Stop The War – challenger: Frances Barber
Day 05: Gods On The Dole – challenger: Kurt Busiek
Day 06: When Nothing Adds Up – challenger: Matt Parker
“There are two hundred stories collected in this volume. They are funny, they are thoughtful, they are romantic, they are frightening. To me, though, they are more than entertaining. They are inspiring.” – Wil Wheaton, from his introduction to volume 2 of The Fast Fiction Challenge
Two volumes of The Fast Fiction Challenge, containing 180 stories in Volume 1 and a further 200 stories in Volume 2, for £3.00 each, are available in ebook format from the author; email for details.
budgie's perch 